Dive

I left my comfort zone last week, inspired by my friends who opened a restaurant.  It’s hard to believe how much this decision and these past few days have impacted me, how much I learned about myself and the work I need to do.

I’m a helper, and I have mostly been proud of this side of myself.  In exploring this part of me I realized that helping is never as simple as it appears.  When I dive into someone else’s world, I’m avoiding my own.  The funny thing is, in this circumstance, my dive landed me eye to eye with several things I needed to face. 

I bartended at a BBQ restaurant with a smoker as the centerpiece of the space.  I never once paused to consider what it might feel like to work in a smoky space a few years after my own house fire.  Glancing inside the firebox was eerily reminiscent of the charred remains of my chimney on New Year’s Day of 2017.  The memory hijacked my mind.

Throughout the night, I felt many triggers as I slipped into the my new role.  I know how to smile, make small talk, and be gracious, but I didn’t expect the personal questions.  Patrons inquired about my marital status and custody arrangements, and I tried my best to roll with the questions while feeling horrified inside.  I was completely unprepared for the personal questions and flirting.  I had no experience answering these direct questions, and I’m sure my face didn’t hide my discomfort. 

The biggest oversight, however, was my complete denial and avoidance of the fact that I would be working in a nightlife business and I am most definitely not a night person!  To be fair, I have been questioning a lot of core beliefs about myself, one of which is that I’m not a night person.  Since my separation and divorce, I have so much more energy, and testing this felt worthwhile. I’m embarrassed to admit that I didn’t think about how this shift in my schedule would impact my other obligations and priorities in life.  The impact was immediate and immense.  I was so wound up by the end of my shift that I couldn’t sleep.   I was delirious after one shift, completely overwhelmed with what I signed up for, and very mad at myself.

In talking to friends and family about this, the anger grew.  Pretty much everyone I talked to saw this coming.  They encouraged me based on my enthusiasm, but they seemed to know me better than I knew myself.  I have been working intentionally and diligently on myself for years, I am a trained therapist, and I am still missing so many pieces of my puzzle.  I let the young part of me, my inner child, take the wheel on this one.  I acted on impulse, and it drove me toward issues I need to face.  I’m recognizing a pattern of throwing myself into something in order to avoid something else, usually my feelings.

This short-lived bartending experience left me feeling raw, exposed, and vulnerable.   I have learned more about the wounds inside me that need attention.  I am reminded that failure is a great teacher.  I am practicing the lesson that it is ok to try something new, learn that it’s not the right fit, and realize that my worth is not attached to the outcome.  My friends showed me so much grace and compassion when I quit the job, and it helped me find it for myself.  I forgive myself for diving in and I forgive myself for not knowing.