Carry That Weight
How much weight do I need to carry? I’ve been thinking about this question a lot lately. I feel heavy with responsibility. I spend a lot of time worrying about how everyone else is feeling, and I carry on because that’s my job. I find myself overcompensating for my kids, doing things for them that they should be doing for themselves or for the family. I feel sorry for them because of COVID and the way we are living, and I rarely feel sorry for myself.
So it struck me when my yoga teacher was talking about this mountain metaphor. Imagine a mountain before you. Is the mountain heavy? Yes, of course it is, but as long as we aren’t trying to lift it ourselves, it isn’t heavy for us.
My family system appears very heavy to me. I see myself as the main support, the person who needs to hold everyone up so we can survive and sometimes thrive. But is that really my responsibility? Should I be holding all of the weight? How am I helping my kids gain any sense of competence when I do so many things for them? How am I serving myself when I willingly take everything on? We all feel drained at this point of the year, especially this year, so why am I doing it by myself? I know I don’t feel good about people trying to do things for me. I feel annoyed, and I like my way better. Often times I end up doing the most because it’s the path of least resistance, but is it really?
Today I dropped a jar of tomato sauce and it exploded in spectacular fashion, and this event sparked an epic tirade of rage that has been building for God only knows how long. I started yelling about how I do everything alone and no one helps me because they’re too busy watching memes or playing video games. This fit served no one, but it did wake us up. I was able to see that I’ve been a big part of the problem by being so passive and accommodating to my kids, and my resentment has grown. I don’t want to feel this way, and I don’t want my kids to be incompetent, so it’s time to shift gears. I intend to look at the work around me and question it. Who’s responsibility is it? I am the captain of this ship, so it’s my job to ensure that the responsible party acts responsibly, but I don’t have to be a lamb about it. A little fire won’t hurt anyone, it will engage my kids. This is more important than trying to protect them from an impossible situation over which none of us has any control. It isn’t time for coddling, it’s time for resilience. We will never have this much time together, and I need to engage with them so they carry their weight in this family, and in this life.
