Mirrors

I’ve been grappling with this idea of being self-sufficient, independent, and happy on my own…that my most important relationship is the one I have with myself.  It has been a struggle for my poor mind because she seems to think that I need to develop this relationship BY myself.  And I know in my bones that I’m deepening my relationship with myself by being in relationship with others.

Everyone says that relationships are mirrors, and I believe this.  My relationships reflect what I need to address and where I’m thriving.  My friendships are thriving.  I have so many people I love deeply, who support and accept me.  I offer this in return.  The reciprocity feels so rewarding to me.  My friends and family have taught me how to give AND receive. It’s a humbling lesson because it’s so much easier for me to give than to receive. Yet the love I feel when I allow myself to receive helps me love myself even more.

Then, there’s dating life.  It has been truly illuminating in so many ways.  I watch myself go into pleaser mode, or I make myself smaller, to be liked and accepted.  I charm and joke, I try to “look hot”.  I noticed over time that I played a very defensive game, reacting to what was happening instead of setting an intention for what I wanted to happen.  I can’t learn this stuff by myself. I need to practice and experience life through relationships.  It has been such a gift to lower the stakes of all of my dates by intending to learn from every interaction and to have fun.  I learn about myself or the other person, often both. It’s sometimes fun, and it’s sometimes boring and a waste of time.  And I’m here for all of it.  I need this information to know how I feel and to figure out what I want.  I also need this data to help me internalize that I can flow…what I want can change, and it’s actually good if it changes because it means I’m attuned to my needs at any given time.  It means I’m present for the experience and living my life.  It’s means I’m in my body and not in my head.  

That’s not to say I don’t spend time in my head, because I do.  I am human after all.  I try to play things out…I can’t help it.  My poor mind has been indoctrinated to believe that I will arrive at happiness and wholeness when I find the right person.  There are so many conventions that are burned in my brain that don’t make sense and are not even close to what I want.  But my mind still goes there.  It’s afraid of all of the feelings and uncertainty stirred up by these experiences…the lack of control I have over any person I’m in relationship with.  And fear is understandable.  I have had so many feelings stirred up: anger, loneliness, despondence, rejection, desire, indifference, outrage, joy, elation, doubt, clarity, etc.  It’s exhausting to witness all of these feelings and to live with them.  But it’s also teaching me so much about myself.  I have so much love and respect for myself because of what I’m doing in my life right now.  I am taking risks, being vulnerable, practicing presence and authenticity.  I am being intentional and reciprocal.  I am practicing non-judgement toward me and everyone I’m engaging with.  I am trying very hard to not take anything personally.  I am seeing what is mine and what is yours.  I am building an unshakeable trust and faith in myself.  And this is how I heal and shape my relationship with myself.  I am the great love I’ve been looking for, and the energy I give in relationships is measured against the deep love I have for me.